Absent

I sat here on my chair, gathering my thoughts of what to write about 4th of July, Independence Day and the pompous fireworks which would incidentally mark the five months I am here in Baltimore.

Then it struck me. Today is 5th July.

I missed my graduation ceremony slated for 8pm. No mortar board, no over sized graduation gown and no need to ponder if I should take a bow after receiving my certificate. Sadly, it meant no photos as well.

This whole ceremony thingy stirs up some emotions deep in me. Having completed Masters of Science, well, is sort of an in-between thing; going to the ceremony may bring about bittersweet moments rather than a totally joyous occasion. Slightly better than Bachelors but far from Doctorate, sometimes I still do not know what to make of it- happiness or sadness? It was one of the most difficult periods of my life, where I constantly doubt myself, and my work. They were mostly unhappy moments; those were suppose to have been the best years of my twenties, but I lost them.

At times I regret not having gone all the way to completing my doctorate, and I am envious of some who are embarking on that journey. Those who do it because they love science, not because they could tick the Dr. box on forms. It is hard not to judge, but everyone has their reason, however absurd it sounds to me.

Coming from someone who used to plan meticulously her goals at every exam down right to which position in class, it is hard to think outside my box in which grades signify everything.

Don't we all have that at some point in our lives, wondering what exactly are we doing with our lives? Pardon the rhetorical question, sometimes I really believe there is such a thing as quarter life crisis. I know I love science, research is still debatable to me. Perhaps it is finding the right environment and area of research, and importantly not just the supervisor but the colleagues as well.

But I know what you must be saying now, at the end of the day, life still goes on. I concur my dears. I am sure my blog and you the reader are tired of hearing me whine about this issue, and frankly, so am I. I have to let it all go; bad memories and ill thoughts, from this moment forth, be gone! (It sounds like something from Harry Potter!)

This calls for a celebration right! Must ask the Husby to take me out then! =)