I am actually feeling quite blue at the moment, and it warms my heart to see that although I am so far away from so many of my dear friends, I still feel your presence. ;)
You see, I have been having spots, blemishes, pimples, acne - whatever you choose to call it
graciously popping up on my face since back in March. Perhaps it was the weather, the food, the whole change in environment, stress in moving over here. What the heck
, I sometimes even blame the gravity too, if it would help to make me feel better. At the end of the day, all humans are all alike; who likes having spots on their faces? They spell one thing in caps: U.G.L.Y. It is eating away my self-esteem like a hungry worm, making me feel self-conscious and brings me to an all-time low.
I hear you consoling me,
nah, its just spots, what is the big deal? Everyone has time from time to time! On the bright side everyone tells me it is a sure sign of youth. But hold on a minute, I am way out of my teens, and no longer
that young. Surely you mean adult acne? *
SIGH* Why me!
And today, it has gotten a little worse than before. I suspect I am having an allergy to something I am using. It is not so bad that it warrants a visit to the doctors pronto, but it sure is obvious. Can I wear a paper bag to work tomorrow? Wait, I only have plastic bags, maybe those are not so great right?
It brings back haunting memories to when I was in Secondary two, where it was a constant battle against pimples. I had used a certain product, together with another moisturiser. Somehow the two, when mixed had a really potent result. I still remember every horrible detail of that fateful morning when I woke up and had a sinking feeling something was not right. My whole face was swollen, it looked like I put on several kilograms overnight. It was to the extend where my eyes looked so small, and the face in the mirror did not even quite look like me.
Panic set it. I did not quite know what to do. It was hard to describe the exact feeling. Fear, desperation to look back to my normal self, anxiety - it must have been all of these.
Should anyone ask if I ever felt suicidal in my life, the answer is yes. It would be that exact moment, puffy face and all, that I looked out the window and three stories down wondering if I jump out and just die please, so all these would go away. Distinctly I still have a snapshot of the view I saw that morning, which will probably stay in my grey matter for the rest of my life. Dying for the sake of vanity sounds so shallow now, yes, I can even laugh about it now.
Ha, the follies of a teenager, what was I thinking about!
But at the moment, trapped in a body of a fourteen-year-old with a puffy face was hell.
Little did I know, the worst was yet to occur. As I was staying with my uncle's family then, where everyone was either at work or school, leaving only the maid in the house. I never liked her. Correction -I still do
not like her. To cut a long story short, her shriek laughter and mockery when she saw my face haunts me to this day.
It took an entire week before my face was back to looking like myself, during which I stayed home. Therefore you can surely see how my self-esteem was so bruised from that incident. Not having my parents by my side and few comforting words made it more difficult too.
Anyway, I have lost sight of why I told this story. Maybe getting rid of it helps me break free of the past, and hopefully the spots. May tomorrow be a better day, spots or spotless!