Inside suntaneye

I looked into myself, and found these major issues that have been plaguing me often lately:

• The tyranny of shoulds: If I don't live up to my shoulds, I judge myself to be a bad and unworthy person. That I should be competent at work, that every experiment should work (yah right), that I should not make mistakes, that since I am older than my classmates I should definitely know the answer to that question, that I should have achievements that will bring me wealth, that I should be generous and always give gifts, that I should always be busy, that I should make enough money to support my parents and be able to fly them here to visit me...

• The problem of worth: Way back in primary school days, I have been conditioned such that I should excel in classes, obtaining only the best grades and going to the best schools. So my worth has always been measured in terms of how many As, did I get my degree and so on. But this is not all there is to me!!! There has been many days where I tell the Husby that I am tired of living because I feel that there is nothing worth living for. I think I don't mean it, it might be to seek attention or that I am frustrated with something. It has gone to that extend where I sometimes wonder if I am clinically depressed and again, I cannot continue going down that path. 

• I am also prone to over generalization. If one experiment fails, I think I am a failure because everything I do is a failure and I have a total shut-down. Or words like "everyone thinks I am a  ---" or "I will never be able to do this"  
• My world has also consisted of only black-and-white, I see myself as either smart or dumb, doing the right thing or being wrong, and if I make a mistake, then it is all wrong, there is no redemption. Or everything is life-and death, if I do not get that scholarship/fellowship I am stupid/incompetent/that is the end of my career.
• And at the cost of friendships, I am guilty of minding reading which is so fatal to my self-esteem. I worry what others think of me. "Maybe they didn't like the gift I made" "Maybe they think I am silly for getting a cat" "She must be thinking I am lazy because I didn't want to get up and be here for the meeting" or "my boss must think I am so stupid for not knowing this at this level!" 
• Mostly, it starts with this in the morning, the emotional reasoning. That my universe is chaotic, governed by changeable feelings rather than rational laws. I can wake up the next morning and feel that I don't want to live anymore because I have nothing to look towards, but in actual fact, nothing has changed overnight. I often blame it on getting out of bed on the wrong side, but except for my irrational feelings, nothing else has happened. 

 All these add up to poor self esteem. I also feel inferior in terms of financial sense, and so I often panic at the thought of buying gifts. I worry that my choice of gifts are not worthy because I feel that everyone is earning more than me. I fail to see that the thought counts to.


So what can I do about this and make positive steps? Stop all these nonsense. Have a strong rebuttal voice. I am worthwhile! Everyday is a new day! Just do it!


If I were to die tomorrow, I actually have a long list of regrets: that I didn't get to send flowers to my mom on her birthday or on mothers day because I discovered she likes flowers at our wedding (she actually kept our corsages and brought it back to Malaysia and put it into the fridge). That I didn't have kids yet. Or how I still would like to sell something online or somewhere. To run more. Spending more time with the Husby and family. More to it but I think rather than regrets I want to come up with a list of things that I want to do in no particular order:

• Try skiing/snowboarding
• go water rafting/tubing
• take a sewing class
• crochet more things like from the book Dawn gave
• drive! yes i know i am taking forever and ever
• more lunches/dinners with friends
• bake panda bread
• visit more state parks
• more cooking with more new recipes and new ingredients
• taking better care of my health (no more swollen toes please)
• more diy gifts
• keep in touch with more friends
• gardening and more flowers
• more photography (with us actually in the photos and no just of objects)
• smiling more!
• going home!
• any suggestions on what else I can do/learn/try? having kids is not one of them here, sorry.

so with that, I look forward to 2011. Thank you for still reading this blog. I know I have not been writing much and of happier thoughts, but this was what I have been struggling with. Really appreciate the support I get from old friends and new, and I wish everyone a wonderful year ahead! :)